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Liz Kay
Hello and welcome to the Providence College Podcast. I'm Liz Kay. In June, Providence College welcomed many members of the class of 2026 first days in Friar Town and Introduction to Campus Life for students and their families. We decided to highlight by parent session hosted by NETZER, Real Estate Director of Residence, Life and Housing and Tiffany Gaffney, Associate Dean of Students or Lis and Gaffney are both members of PC's class of 2003.

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Liz Kay
They share valuable insights and expertize about important conversations to have with college students before moving day in August. If you missed the session last month or just need a refresher, enjoy this discussion now.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Thank you. How did your session go earlier?

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Ask them. Thank you.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
There's a lot of pressure on me. If he doesn't do well, then you won't be happy for this session. So that's good to know. Also, since you already know Ned, I'll introduce myself. My name's Tiffany Gaffney, associate dean of students here at Providence College. I am also a member of the class of 2003. I may have had a higher place in the GPA at graduating class.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
I was more involved.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We were both our age. You know, we're not usually this competitive, but we've done this session together so many times. It has evolved. Ram sometimes does every time.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
And it's the last one.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But it's so it's we got to leave it all on the table. We all. But so member of the class of 2003. So I also came back and did my MBA here. And then I've worked here as a staff member for 18 years in student affairs. And so I like to say that I bleed black and white. I absolutely love Providence College.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We're not a perfect place. No place is perfect, but I think we are a community full of people who are really good at what they do, who really care about our students, who are really passionate and intense about the student experience. And so, you know, I think we work really hard to be the best place that we can be.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so that's why I stick around. Yeah.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
I mean, if you mention the word intense, I guess I guess I'd like to speak on that a little bit. It's a. Oftentimes we get the question, you know, what is it about PC that makes PC special? Right. What is it about us, about Fryer Town? What is it about this community that makes us so special? And I think I hope that over the course of today, over the course of this conversation today as well, the session, you'll see it's it's an intensity.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
We are intense. We have an intensity about how we care for your students, that ethic of caring, how it's expressed and how invested we are in your students success. We are very intense in that regard, and I think that's really what separates us from every other institution you know imaginable. I really intense. And you will find that that's across the entire campus, right?

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Faculty, staff like myself and Tiffany among students, which you'll hear more about this over the course of today. We're trying to cultivate a community of care, right? A community of, you know, care and support. Right. But you'll see there's an intensity that kind of energizes the work that we do here. Yeah. Special.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Yeah. And so I have four boys. I have four sons. The oldest just graduated from eighth grade. He's going to high school and I'm a basket case. So I have a lot of, I don't know, empathy for all of you. I don't know how you're here. And, you know, it's only. I only have him for four more years.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Oh, my gosh. I'm going to cry again. Think about. Okay. And so, you know, we know we both know that, you know, despite all of our experience, there's no better experience than actually being a parent and parenting a student, a child through college. Right. And so I'm just curious and I don't know if you were at the session earlier.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
I know Jackie always does her thing where she asks who. I'm just curious, who had the most number of students go through college? What was it you've had? Four. Is this your fourth? Oh, good for you. Yeah, we always. And this is your fourth also. Oh, and your fourth and your fourth. Wow. Oh, so if you all want to come up, we'll switch places.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
No, but, um, so. But seriously, we. We know that it's not easy, right? College is not easy. And their life is not easy. And there's a lot of, I think a lot of excitement. Right? Your students are probably in a place of excitement, a lot of hope. They they really looking forward to a lot of the positives and a lot of the things they've been waiting for since they knew what college was.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But we have to recognize that college is also full of really difficult experiences. It's a transition for sure. Even the most well-adjusted student, the most prepared student is going to experience challenges and encounter difficulty and need some help along the way. And that's normal and that's okay. But we do want to take some time during this program, and that's what this session is about, is to really kind of identify and own what some of these intentional, difficult conversations will be, both difficult conversations that we will plan to have, but also potentially difficult conversations that we might expect could happen.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so our goal to just continue the theme from this morning, parents as partners, is that we need to partner together in these conversations in support of your students. And so in what we're going to do today a little bit differently than we've done the last two sessions. So we were we had the great opportunity to hear from parents in some of our previous sessions.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
They shared some difficult experiences, difficult conversations they had with their students, their older children who had gone through college. And I think, you know, we really want to make sure we touch on some very key themes. So we're going to share with you some of these conversations, because it gives us an opportunity to also highlight what we offer here at the college and how we're going to approach these conversations.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Let's start with alcohol. Everyone's favorite topic.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Dove Right in.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We did just eat lunch in the bar downstairs.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Now, that's true.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Okay. So there was a mom who shared one of the one of the earlier days about her daughter. So she had gotten she said she got a phone, call it 3 a.m., and she was being notified by the school that her daughter goes to. Another institution had been arrested for underage possession of alcohol. And we said that's very brave of her to share.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And, you know, but we think it was a really important experience, a kind of talk about most cadets are not going to be arrested for underage possession of alcohol. We also know that a third of our students come in and they don't drink. They identify as non drinkers. And so not everybody drinks at college. But the reality is, as some students do, and unless your students are hockey players, they're probably under 21.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Right. There was a dad sitting at the bar. I was eavesdropping and his kids is a hockey player. And so you want to own yourself, but maybe not. Maybe not ad1 player here. But anyway. And so, you know, the reality is, is that underage drinking, it's illegal. So we don't condone it. We don't permit it, we don't tolerate it.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But we do think that it also can be really difficult conversation to have. And so we want to spend a little time talking about, you know, what you can expect from us. But also what we hope we can expect from you. So in following that example of that, that mom and that student, we we do sometimes call parents in the middle of the night, you will hear from one of four people.

00;08;03;03 - 00;08;26;12
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
If you get that phone call, it will be myself, it will be NETZER or it'll be Dr. Steven Sears or it'll be Dean Taiwo Aditi, Jamal Noubar from the Dean of Students office. And so we will call you if there is a health or safety emergency, if you're underage student has been arrested by the police, you will be notified by us as soon as we know about it.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
You will know about it. And that could be at 3 a.m., right? Yeah. Sometimes it's at 6 p.m., but it could be at 3 a.m.. And so, you know, you will get that call from us. But, you know, a lot of students who do choose to drink will never be arrested. They won't be transported to the hospital for intoxication.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But there are still students who may experience harm from alcohol and alcohol use. And so over the summer, one of the things your students will be required to do is to complete the safe college's alcohol and other drug program. We're hoping that you'll let them. You won't pull up a chair and watch it all over their shoulder with them.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But we do also hope that when they're done, when they've completed the program, that it creates an opportunity for you to say, let's talk about that. What did you learn? What did the program say? You know what? What are some of the questions that you have when they get here in on August 25th, moving day in that program?

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We will continue to talk to them about it. We will have in-person educational conversations with them by orientation group. The orientation leaders will have conversations with them about how to socialize in the social scene, including talking about alcohol, the raise in the floor meetings. We'll talk about alcohol and the alcohol policies. Our approach is a real harm reduction approach.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We know if we talk about abstinence from alcohol, we might as well not be talking. It is not an effective means of reducing underage alcohol use or a problem that of drinking. And so what we will do is say if you choose to drink, how might you reduce your risk of harm? But also and again, because we know we have a third of our students who won't drink at all, we will also say, and if you see someone else who needs help, what to do?

00;10;27;06 - 00;10;57;01
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We do. I mean, you know, needs are talked about our culture of care. I mean, we will drill into your students. You're never alone. And for our town, that's that's a catch phrase that we will use a lot. You're never alone in your town. And so, you know, we have an alcohol amnesty policy. If a student has been drinking underage and they but they see someone else, maybe it's their roommate, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's just somebody that they see who is needs help.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Right. Medical attention. They can call for help and not be afraid of getting in trouble because what's more important that we hold them accountable for violating policy or that we get the student help. So we have an amnesty policy. We want to make sure students know about it because it we really do mean that it is much more important the health and safety of our students than making sure that we hold them accountable for policy violations.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so on a similar vein at orientation, they will also participate in a bystander program. And you know, that idea that you can be, you know, a crime can happen, somebody can be in danger and need help in a room full of 100 other people and no one will call for help because everyone assumes someone else will do it.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so we will talk with your students very plainly about that and very clearly that our expectation is, is that we all have a duty to each other and that if you see something, say something. I mean, I just I just went on my soapbox and talked about alcohol. What would you want to add to that?

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Nedzer Erilus '03
I think what I just to build off of the the community of care aspect, we're cultivating this in the residence halls as well. Right. And one of the main ways that we do this, so not many ways, but one of the ways that we do this is by helping students engage in conversation with one another about those expectations as well.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. And so we mentioned this at the last session, but there is a roommate agreement. Right, that students will be completing with one another, right. In their in their rooms. And that agreement allows them to really review, discuss dialog about expectations, you know, to be had in that space. Right. How we want them to invite friends over, if at all, and when.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. When we want to sleep, how to make a study, etc.. But it's really the first time a students will be engaged with that conversation about boundaries. Oftentimes offer them never thought about this before. What are my expectations about other folks visiting in the room or what happens in the room or the usage of my stuff and things like this?

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. And so this intersects with alcohol a lot because, well, they had a drink somewhere and that conversation really helps them frame, again the kinds of kind of social space, right. We know our our resident rooms also, you know, existence for our students. Yeah.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Yeah, that's that's great. And oh, I just lost that one I was going to have. There was another parent who shared something about alcohol. Oh, no, I lost it again. Whatever. While you were talking, I wasn't listening. I was thinking about what I need to say next.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Yeah.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And I stopped thinking about that and listen to you and loss of I was going to say, oh, this is what it was. Okay, I remember now. And so actually it wasn't something that a parent shared. I was thinking about a parent, you know, as a parent, if you've sent more kids off to college, you probably have had the alcohol conversation many times and could teach all the rest of us how to have it.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But if you are in case you are a parent who maybe you have never had this conversation before, or you have, but but it's just more uncomfortable for you. We have resources available for you, and so you will get in the coming week or so an email, a follow up email about this orientation program. And it will include links to information about how to talk to your college student about alcohol.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
So again, if you are good and you know how to have that conversation, we won't be offended if you don't click the link. But if you're somebody who would like a little help on figuring out how to frame that conversation, we will be sending all of you that information. It's really important that you understand that if you talk, they will listen.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
They will pretend they are not listening. They will tell you you don't know what you're talking about, but they are listening. And we know you know, we know all of the research. They are listening. They just want you to think they are. So.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Yeah, and it's just a small point as well. I typically mentioned, you know, one in three students are not drinking. Right. And sometimes you might hear from your student or they might perceive on social media.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
You definitely will hear from.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Your student and you'll probably see on social media as well a completely different narrative or depiction of that story.

00;15;06;29 - 00;15;09;17
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Everyone's drinking and everyone is drinking.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
All right. Everyone is drinking. Everyone is drinking. That's simply not true. Right. And so part of our role to is enabling students to, you know, connect with one another, but also to access those campus resources, events, programs, etc., that are happening that other students are going to that they may not perceive are going to be because of social media, as we discussed before.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. But this is a very real thing. And so we engage that as well. Yeah. Yeah.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
You talked about social media earlier.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
We did. Yeah, we talked we talked about social media earlier.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
You did you talk about how roommates will get into fights in the same room, but not talking to each other. They're on social media at each other.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
We talked about weirdness.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Yeah.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
And discomfort.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
I will digress for 1/2 and say I worked in residence life years ago and I had to I had a student in my office really upset because her she had a roommate conflict. Her R.A. couldn't mediate. The hall director couldn't mediate, ended up in my lab. And I said, Well, so you've got this list of things you're upset with your roommate about.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Did you tell her or. I texted her and I said, well, why you didn't? What did you do not see her there? Oh, no, we were in the st we were in the room. They were in the room in their desks, facing opposite walls, fighting by text. And that's a true story.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
I believe.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
It.

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Nedzer Erilus '03
So, yeah.

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Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Anyway, I digress. Okay, so what about the West Coast? You want to go?

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Nedzer Erilus '03
So we had another set of parents. She meets with a father and they had a son go to a school on the West Coast. Right. So already we are where we understand, you know, they're from the East Coast. Their son went to school on the West Coast. So there's a distance factor right where the father, the mother, the parents could not visit, you know, their son regularly.

00;17;06;12 - 00;17;16;04
Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. That's a that's a kind of a exacerbating factor. Right. So so I went to school on the West Coast. The son really wanted to get involved in Greek life. Right. Really want to go to a fraternity.

00;17;17;02 - 00;17;18;12
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We don't have Greek life.

00;17;18;29 - 00;17;45;00
Nedzer Erilus '03
Like, you know, but we do have rugby now that it's bad, bad, that's bad. That's bad. But we went to the West Coast really want to get into you know, get involved in Greek life had kind of an idea of what kind of fraternities wanted to join. Did not get into any of them. None of them. Right. And so the father actually was actually very good about connecting with his son.

00;17;45;00 - 00;18;00;15
Nedzer Erilus '03
So they spoke regularly. You know, I want to say weekly, maybe more than that. But there were regular interactions, communication that the father had with the son, a lot of face time, phone calls. Right. The father had no idea that the son was.

00;18;01;05 - 00;18;03;10
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Well, the son kept saying, oh, I'm fine, great.

00;18;03;17 - 00;18;24;09
Nedzer Erilus '03
Correct. And somebody would configure, communicate. He was fine. He was doing great. Nothing was wrong. He's happy. He settled all that kind of stuff. Right. Father had no reason to believe otherwise. Right? Whatsoever. And again. But the key point here, too, is that they were they were they were communicating via face time. So they were he was seeing him engaging one another.

00;18;24;09 - 00;18;33;11
Nedzer Erilus '03
Right again, frequently and regularly. And later on, as the year progressed, you know, the father discovers I forget how.

00;18;33;15 - 00;18;40;06
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
So at the end of the semester when he went to pick him up, also discovered failing everything. He hadn't been going to class.

00;18;40;07 - 00;18;40;23
Nedzer Erilus '03
Correct.

00;18;41;00 - 00;18;42;24
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Basically hiding out in his room?

00;18;42;24 - 00;19;06;14
Nedzer Erilus '03
Yep. Complete disengagement from campus and social life, failing academically and very much just in dire straits, so to speak. And the father felt he was a bit at a loss. You know, he he had said, you know, if I just keep up, you know, my my my attentiveness, somehow maybe I would have picked this up sooner or somehow discover this, observe this in some other way.

00;19;06;22 - 00;19;27;22
Nedzer Erilus '03
And the reality is that's not true. You know, I would tell I told that father, we told him you did everything you could like you did what you should have done as a parent, you know, with the frequency of communications, you'll be asking questions. Sometimes you can't help, you know, what your student or how the students are going to respond or engage you in those interactions.

00;19;28;13 - 00;19;45;04
Nedzer Erilus '03
They might, you know, present a picture of, you know, things being fine and great. Maybe they don't want to burden you. They don't want to stress you out. They don't want to, you know, do things in your end. Right? They know you want them to succeed and be happy and do well and be well. And so you're there.

00;19;45;04 - 00;20;12;20
Nedzer Erilus '03
There are a host of reasons why they may not share or review what's actually going on. But the key part here for us at P.S. is that we do and are committed to creating cultivating this community of care, right where everybody is participating and observing one another. Right. And sharing those observations with folks like Ari's folks actively myself, faculty.

00;20;12;20 - 00;20;40;15
Nedzer Erilus '03
But we share the observations as well, right? Other staff. The reassurance here is that even if you may miss from those conversations or interactions with your student what might actually be going on or something more concerning going on. Those behaviors are being observed elsewhere, right? In this community of care, right. This culture of care we're creating right there being observed elsewhere.

00;20;40;24 - 00;20;47;26
Nedzer Erilus '03
So somebody like you and again, faculty, staff, etc., we'll observe that and we will, you know, respond accordingly.

00;20;47;26 - 00;21;23;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Yeah. So this story kind of highlights a few things that we think are really important to to mention. I don't want I don't want to talk about. Yeah, but I'm going to say expectations from student remind me to come back to expectations but so at and we don't know what that institution what they knew what they understood we don't we don't know any of that how we would hope this would work here is so we have a care team and so the care team is about a dozen administrators from across campus.

00;21;23;19 - 00;21;51;18
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Both NETZER and I sit on this team, but it is staff members from academic affairs, from the counting center, the health center, the Chaplains Office, from Community Standards, from Public Safety. I always forget athletics, from athletics. And, and so we meet regularly and we spend a lot of time training our community about how to recognize signs of distress and then how to make referrals to the care team.

00;21;51;25 - 00;22;18;28
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so we work with faculty, staff and students to make sure they understand again, again, to repeat a culture of care, see something, say something. How to recognize when someone needs help, but really how to recognize the signs of distress and then where to go with that. Now, as you can probably expect, most of the referrals to the care team come from Ari's and from public safety.

00;22;19;06 - 00;22;48;09
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
They are basically 24 seven operations. They have staff that are patrolling campus and the residence halls and who generate reports. So that's not a surprise. But a third of our reports, a third of our referrals come from members of the community. So we will get reports from faculty. Sometimes they look like, you know, Jane is in my intro to politics class and stopped coming and has missed the last four weeks of class and I've emailed her and she hasn't responded.

00;22;50;05 - 00;23;09;03
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
If that happens, what we do is we reach out to Jane. We may find out that Jane was going to drop the class and just didn't follow through when submitting the paperwork. Shocker, right. The student had to drop off paperwork to finish and didn't follow through. Right. So, you know, at at worst, the student didn't really need help other than to remind her to drop the form off.

00;23;09;27 - 00;23;29;07
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But maybe we find out that Jane is really struggling, that maybe Jean had some kind of interaction with another student in the class and she doesn't want to go into the same classroom as that student ever again. Or maybe it's that Jean is starting to feel depressed and exhibiting signs of depression and is having trouble getting out of bed.

00;23;30;06 - 00;23;51;00
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Maybe it's that Jean is actually not feeling well. Maybe she's got some medication or insomnia or something. She's sleeping through the alarm in the morning. Right. But we don't know until we ask. And we can't ask if we don't know that she's missing class. So we we talk to professors. We go to new faculty orientation and we talk about how to recognize signs of distress and how to make referrals.

00;23;51;09 - 00;24;16;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Sometimes we hear from faculty that a student missed class and then did email the faculty member and in that email disclose something challenging, something that the professor thinks the student might need some help with. Sometimes we find the student actually is plugged into all the right resources, doesn't really need help, but sometimes we find that the student really needs someone to help them figure out how to overcome whatever it is they're struggling with.

00;24;17;03 - 00;24;48;07
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We also get referrals from students, from roommates or friends. You know, sometimes those are things like sharing behaviors that kind of speak to towards disordered eating. It could be someone sharing concerns about their friend's relation ship and some things their assigns they're seeing about that being an unhealthy relationship, you know, really, really. Any, anything you can think of, probably we've received a referral, but we also get referrals from parents.

00;24;48;24 - 00;25;09;23
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And actually this year we got a referral from a high school guidance counselor who had stayed connected to a student who was a freshman. And that guidance counselor noticed a change in the students demeanor and attitude towards school. And the guidance counselor said, I don't know what this could be about, but this isn't the same person I was working with six months ago and so thought somebody at the school should know.

00;25;10;02 - 00;25;44;26
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so we spend a lot of resources educating the campus community, faculty, staff and students about the care team, what we do, how to recognize signs of distress and how to report. So what we would hope is that if that institute we had been that West Coast institution, that someone, even though the parents, they didn't have an idea something was wrong because their student was saying everything was fine, but that somebody on our campus would have observed that something was wrong and that they would all know what to do if they did so.

00;25;44;26 - 00;25;49;27
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
So that's something that we we stress and strategize, but expectations kind of. Did you want to add to that before?

00;25;51;06 - 00;26;10;22
Nedzer Erilus '03
Also, I think something you should know is we we will know your students. Right. I think sometimes might feel what you might you might be compelled to feel that, you know, oh, you know, this is one student out of 100 students or 200 students or a thousand students. What are the odds that they would know or care or even be able to identify all these students?

00;26;10;22 - 00;26;38;11
Nedzer Erilus '03
That's not true. We we really get to know your students even at our level. And I can assure you that with all of these different mechanisms of observation in place, we will have already established some level of connection with your student, but somewhere along the line between faculty, staff, etc.. Right. And so just know that your student on Anonymous here, but on a number here that we will know who your students are and work to support them as best as we're able to.

00;26;38;26 - 00;26;47;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But no, we'll never know them as well as you do. So the other thing I would say is that if you think something is wrong, yep, call us.

00;26;47;27 - 00;26;48;07
Nedzer Erilus '03
Yeah.

00;26;48;12 - 00;27;03;07
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And if you don't know where to go, who to call the dean of students office, start there. We can. We may not be ultimately the people who are going to help, but we know who the people are who would help. So if you don't know where to go, if you're not sure who to talk to and you think something's wrong, call us.

00;27;03;11 - 00;27;38;21
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Yeah, we want to know. But expectations I didn't forget. Okay, so the other thing that that story sort of highlights and this this definitely resonates for us in a residence life background. But so much of the turmoil and the the adjustment process in the fall is going to come from expectations, failure to meet expectations. And this your students experience is largely going to fail to meet their expectations.

00;27;38;21 - 00;28;08;08
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And the reason why is because there are so many expectations about what college is like. So as an example, your students, many of your students never want to say, oh, but many of your students have this idea about what orientation is going to feel like, right? August, August 25th, you're going to drop me off and it's going to be so fun that you're going to drop me off and I'm going to just feel free and I'm going to have all this responsibility and it's going to be the best thing ever.

00;28;08;14 - 00;28;31;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And when on August 25th, you go to get in the car to leave, they're going to be like, Oh, no, I don't want you to leave. I'm sad, I'm scared. And they will immediately assume not that that's normal, but that means they've made a bad choice that they didn't actually providence wasn't where they should be. Providence is in the right place.

00;28;31;19 - 00;28;57;21
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
I'm not ready for this, when in reality it's just the normal emotions that go with this kind of a transition, right? So so that's the first I mean, just day one, they'll be they will fail to meet their own expectations. And then the second thing that will fail to meet their expectations is their roommate. They know pretty much they all thing guaranteed right now.

00;28;57;21 - 00;29;24;24
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
They all think that their roommate is going to be their best friend for life. Yeah, you're laughing because you know. Right, right. And so, you know, one of the hardest things for them to understand is that the best roommate is someone who's a really good compatible living partner. Yes. Not a best friend. If you if you imagine your student and their best friend, I bet you could.

00;29;24;24 - 00;29;49;21
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Several of you are like that would be a train wreck if they live together. Right? One is neat, one is messy. Opposites attract, I don't know. But like they don't they don't. They think this has to be immediately a deep connection. So fall connection and that they are going to be best friends and that, you know, they imagine what that relationship is going to be like and it is not going to meet their expectations.

00;29;49;21 - 00;30;14;08
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
99.9% of your students, it will not meet their expectations. That doesn't mean it's not a good situation, but there will be emotional angst that comes with that. Right. And, you know, and so I mean, those are just two examples. But there was a mom sorry we hadn't planned to tell this story, but there was a mom who oh, shoot.

00;30;14;08 - 00;30;39;24
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And again, my memory is better than it looks today. But there was a mom. Oh, Major change who was sharing about, you know, the daughter almost. It was almost, I think all the way through freshman year, finally admitted to mom that she wasn't she was kind of failing her classes. And I think she was like, you know, I'm a biology major and mom was in the sciences in her career.

00;30;39;24 - 00;30;55;27
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And the mom was like, I didn't like it got this bad. You're like telling me you're going to fail your classes where there's no time left in the in the year to to salvage this and, you know, I wish you had told me sooner. And she didn't want to disappoint her mom. So. Right. So sometimes it's it's not just their own expectations.

00;30;55;27 - 00;31;15;00
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
It's also their their perception of yours. Right. I'm not saying that that mom was putting any pressure on her daughter to be a bio major. But the daughter certainly thought that it would disappoint her mom if she wasn't right. And I guess more of the story was the daughter switched to like theology major and like knocked it out of the park academically and thrived.

00;31;15;00 - 00;31;39;22
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Right. And so there are so many examples of where the the expectations that they have and the pressure that is often really only self-imposed kind of becomes a barrier. But really, you can see it it may take some digging through what looks like some real emotional turmoil before you figure out or we can figure out what the root of the issue is.

00;31;39;22 - 00;31;44;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But we are committed to working with you and your student through the tears to figure it out.

00;31;44;20 - 00;32;12;29
Nedzer Erilus '03
Absolutely. I think, too, you know, you often hear the term, the phrase just, you know, to sit in discomfort, you know, sitting in discomfort. And we try to actually encourage you to move through discomfort, right. Move through discomfort. Expect the discomfort expected and move through it. Right. And so these are some of the ways that we try and, you know, cultivate agency in the student to become aware of the situation, to move through it, take action.

00;32;13;08 - 00;32;22;25
Nedzer Erilus '03
Right. There are steps that can be taken, that resource we can connect you to. But don't just sit in a movie. That is, we use this language a lot with students as well.

00;32;22;25 - 00;32;46;18
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We didn't do a good job on time. We've a lot to cover in the next 10 minutes, including questions. But we do okay for. So we do want to mention the two other things they'll have to do over the summer, because I think there are also opportunities for you all to have conversations with them that are really important before they come August 25th that we'll pick up and continue.

00;32;47;00 - 00;33;15;15
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
So over the summer, your students will also be required to take the cognitive mental health at risk student online module. And again, I really like this one. It's, it's, there's like avatars or I don't know, it's like fake people on the screen and there's students who are in distress and your student gets to act and make decisions for how the other avatar is going to engage the student in distress.

00;33;15;23 - 00;33;40;29
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so there'll be like a scene and then there will be, say, three options for your for this the students out your students avatar to respond and they get to pick how they respond. And then the scenario plays out based on their actions. And then the system will actually narrate back and say, all right, here's the good things about react responding that way, but here are some maybe reasons why you should have responded differently.

00;33;41;23 - 00;34;10;00
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But they can also back up and try out different options. And there is a few different scenarios. And so we really mean it when we say we want to teach them how to recognize signs of distress and then what they can do to help or get the students help. So that will be required. The other one that will be required is the Safe Colleges Intimate Intimate Partner Violence Prevention Workshop Program.

00;34;10;08 - 00;34;31;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And again, for all of these, you know, we hope you won't sit over there shoulder watching, but we do really hope you'll talk with them about it. You know, it's really important when we talk about, you know, sexual violence prevention. Most students are not going to encounter that kind of a situation. Some students will, but some students will also have friends who do.

00;34;31;19 - 00;34;52;17
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so it's really important that we talk about it. It's really important that we help students, you know, really kind of figure out with their own agency how they can be part of a solution of preventing. But also in the event that something happens, what to do if something happens to them, what to do, and if someone have something happens to someone they care about, what to do.

00;34;52;25 - 00;35;24;00
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
There's a lot of resources on campus that are available to them. And so know that module over the summer is going to start that conversation. It is by no means going to fix the issue for our campus. And so what we're hoping is that at the very least, if that's not a conversation that you all have already had, that it's an opportunity to start that conversation for you with your student and to really spend some time.

00;35;24;00 - 00;35;58;17
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But, you know, between now and August 25th, kind of talking about sexual decision making, talking about decision making around alcohol, kind of talking about, you know, we had we had one parents say earlier in the program about, you know, he didn't want to get into what the situation was with the student, but that he found that he was having this conversation with a student about some behavior that they both never thought would have happened, that he wasn't the kind of person who would do something like that.

00;35;58;27 - 00;36;16;26
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And it really gave us an opportunity, I think, to say that, you know, between now and the 25th of August, spending time talking with your student about who they are, right? Like how they occupy space, how they interact with people, how they treat people, how they make, what decisions they make, like who they are but who they say they are.

00;36;16;26 - 00;36;42;13
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Like if somebody says to you, Who are you? What kind of person are you? What kind of student are you? And that who they are and who they would say they are are close to the same, and that they never lose sight of also who they want to be. And if and if there is, you know, when those are different answers, who I am, who I would say I am, and who I want to be when those are different, there's dissonance.

00;36;42;13 - 00;37;06;25
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
There's disconnect. Right. And then students may find themselves in a difficult situation and go, but I'm not the kind of person who'd be involved in that, or I'm not the kind of person who, you know, would say that or, you know, would be involved. And but they are. And because it's not, you know, they're not necessarily thinking really intentionally and deliberately and thoughtfully about how they are engaging their place in this community.

00;37;06;25 - 00;37;32;08
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And so, you know, maybe using your opportunity for, you know, whether it's through these required online programs as sort of the occasion to start those conversations or whether it's you've all been having these conversations and you can, you know, you just have the summer to continue them, you know, that really helps us because we will continue these conversations with them in August and throughout the year.

00;37;33;02 - 00;37;57;14
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But but again, we will be much more effective if we are messaging something they've already been hearing from all of you. And if when we talk about it, it they hear your voice and the things that you had said to them, because when you talk, they listen. I didn't mean to just rush through the end, but we now have 5 minutes for questions.

00;37;58;22 - 00;38;20;25
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We've run late every day, though, so take your time. So I can't speak for everyone else, but I'll speak for my daughter and myself. We keep talking about having these conversations. The teens don't talk to you. They you cannot have a conversation with them. If I if for me, if I tried to have a conversation with my daughter, she'll just sit on the couch.

00;38;20;25 - 00;38;34;07
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
POW! Put her head down, say, I know we don't need to talk about this, so I can't penetrate that head of hers. I can't get through. I can't talk to her. She knows everything. So I would relinquish that to you. Yeah.

00;38;36;14 - 00;38;56;19
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
We're going to have to talk about what it means to be a partner, but, you know. Yeah, that's great. That actually sounds like my 14 year old son, right? He knows everything, right? You're singing everyone's story right now. Yeah. It's funny because I do write like I have, I said, for I for boys. And again, my oldest is 14.

00;38;56;19 - 00;39;15;22
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Right. But my my 12 year old and my 14 year old could not be more different. My 14 year old I mean, I might have been the last person, you know, we had a girlfriend, right? Like he's he doesn't tell me anything that my 360 is the best thing ever. Right? Whereas my 12 year old tells me things I have to only hope.

00;39;15;28 - 00;39;42;16
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
He tells me when we're in the car because I'm driving and he can't see my face and he's telling me things and I'm I can't control, like, right. Like and so kids are so different. Your students are so different. And so I don't know how to get your daughter to listen to you. I don't. But I do think that even if she think she she is not engaging you, she is hearing you.

00;39;43;09 - 00;40;05;08
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
She is hearing you. And some of the difficulty, like you all clearly have had more life experience than your students have had. You have context for the stuff you're talking about. If you try to have a conversation with her about a college party with alcohol, she doesn't know what that means. You might I mean, I'm not suggesting you went to college.

00;40;05;08 - 00;40;23;17
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
Right. But you might know what that means. Right. And so you have context. She doesn't have the context yet. And that is there's no there's no fixing that. So she doesn't think she needs to know it. She thinks she already knows everything. She needs to know. You know she doesn't. So you say it. She doesn't want to be listening.

00;40;23;19 - 00;40;48;21
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
She's hearing it. And when she's here and we continue the conversation and it will start to click, what our hope is, is that we're giving them information they don't need yet, but we want them to have it the moment they step into a situation where they need it. And so all we can do is give them everything that we can.

00;40;49;08 - 00;41;10;10
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
And in the hopes that they are able to connect the dots and say, this is what they're talking about. And so here's what I need to do and how I want to handle it. But but in addition to just what we're saying, we will send again, there's we have resources. So so the there's the how to talk to your college students about alcohol.

00;41;10;10 - 00;41;49;24
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
But then there's also information from I always get it wrong, but it's the National Institute of something how something about I know I know it'll be in the email about you know how to also talk to your students about sexual violence prevention sexual decision making in college. And, you know, these are resources that we're not necessarily giving you to pass on to your student, but we're giving to you for you to kind of review and decide what what might work for you and your students, but know that no matter how imperfectly you do it because none of us are right.

00;41;49;24 - 00;42;00;07
Tiffany Gaffney '03, '07G
I started this by saying Providence is not a perfect, but not perfection is not the goal, however imperfectly you do it that you do it in whatever version works for you.

00;42;00;11 - 00;42;11;13
Liz Kay
Thank you for listening to the Provincetown podcast. Episodes are available in all of the usual places, as well as colleges, YouTube Channel and on your smart speaker for producer Chris Judge and Liz K. Until next time.